Life is a Journey

I have come to this page many times. Over and over again I've tried to write a post, any post for that matter. But...I never get more than a few sentences in. I have no motivation. Writing used to be such a big part of my life, but lately I haven't done anything of the sort. Me writing hasn't stopped entirely, it just takes different forms now. In my journaling and in my art and in some social media posts. But certainly I haven't been writing as much as I once was. It was bothering me so much for so long. Then I realized that life consists of changes. There are many different stages of life that we walk through. Maybe I should worry less about not doing something and more on what do I need to be doing right here and now.

What should I being doing right now? I'm not entirely sure. I know that I always have the desire to DO something. To make a difference. To have an impact. To change people's lives. One of my biggest fears is living my life without ever doing anything meaningful. I don't want to waste the life that God has given me. But in the hurry to reach that undefinable "something," I find myself missing out on the life that is unfolding around me. Not just that, but I'm missing out on my own life. I'm not enjoying the journey. I am not happy with where I am right now.

There will always be goals to strive towards. There will always be something to run after. Those goals, those things aren't everything. More than half of it is the journey that it takes to get there. The experiences that one has. The growth that happens. The things that on learns.  The hard work that is put in. All the tears, the laughs that happen. The relationships that are made. All these things make up a huge part of doing something or reaching a goal. None of these things should be considered meaningless. They all play a part in making you who you are.

Time is constantly moving. It never stops. Not for you. Not for anyone. Time is always moving forward. But this doesn't mean that we should rush towards the goals or that "something." No. We should realize that life is going to move forward whether we want it to or not. So what's the rush? It is all happening on God's time. There's definitely the urge to move, that's a good thing, but we certainly don't have to rush. Be present where you are. That's something I'm trying hard to learn.

So much has been happening in my life lately. Some big changes are possibly coming up if everything goes smoothly. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I think I'm making the right decisions, but who will really know? I don't know the future. The idea scares me. Lately, I feel like I have more questions than answers. It is frustrating sometimes. But even that is progress. You have to have questions in order to be able to answer them. You can't have answers without questions. I'm going to continue to move forward, forward in the belief that God is in control. The best thing that I can do is take things one step at a time and be present where I am. Life is a journey. There will be good times. There will be bad times. But such is life. That shouldn't stop one from enjoying it when possible and living to the fullest.

G. Paige

God's Grace through the Challenges

It's been so long since I last posted. It feels like a lifetime ago. My life has been constantly changing ever since the beginning of last year. I don't think there's been much of anything that's been a real constant in my life. In many ways, it has been wonderful. I've ventured out of my comfort zone. I've done so many things that I've never done before. It's been a constant challenge...and honestly, it's been pretty rewarding. I've learned a lot. That's not to say that it has been easy. There's been challenges that have been really tough. Ones that I don't understand why I have to deal with.

I'm not here to talk about all the problems in my life. Everyone deals with challenges. Everyone has issues that they have to deal with. It's a part of life. Whether these hardships change overtime or one disappears in order for another one to appear, I think that we can all agree that challenges are a part of everyday life. Sin entered this world and hardships are now something that we have to constantly deal with.

In the face of that, life seems kind of daunting, doesn't it? I feel you. I really do. In all honestly, life hasn't been the easiest this fall/winter. There's been times when I've lost sight of the goals in front of me. I've forgotten or abandoned the purpose that God has given me. And I wonder why I'm even here. What's the point of all of this? It's awful. I feel ashamed, but you know what? I'm saved. I'm saved by grace. I don't have to be ashamed because God's grace covers all my faults. His forgiveness sets me free. Why am I telling you this? I want you to know me for who I am. I'm a broken human being. I'm sinful. I have my faults. I'm not perfect.

We all deal with different kinds of challenges and hardships. What's important is that you are not alone during those hard times. You are not on your own. God, who's greater than you and any of the problems that you may be going through, is always with you. Even more so (this is something that I've been realizing a lot lately) God will bring certain people into your just at the time when you need them. He has done that a lot for me lately. There are so many people that came into my life just when I needed them. They are such a blessing and they don't even know it. I have so much to be thankful for.

This just goes to show that you may be a blessing in someone else's life without even knowing it. Someone may be going through a really rough point in their life and your words may be just what they need to hear. You never know. So be kind. Show the grace and love that God has shown you. Such things can go a long way. You may never know how much of a difference you're making in other people's lives. Be the light that you want to see in this broken world. Hold on tightly to the relationships you have. They are more precious and rare that any jewel that can be found on this earth.

G Paige

Learning to Let Go

This past week was a very long week. I have never worked so many hours in one week in my entire life (I think I had about forty-five hours in?). Then again, this was only my second week of work. There is so much to get used to and readjust to. Also, I can't believe that it is July. Time has passed so quickly these last few months. I feel like it was only a moment ago that I was in Ecuador, but no, it was over a month ago!

I know that in my last post I talked a lot about my missions trip and my job, but that wasn't all that has happened in the past month or so. I got home from Ecuador only to be smacked in the face with a really tough situation. It left me in a lot of tears. I was extremely upset. I was sad. I was angry. I was a whole mess of emotions. Any amount of trust or views that I held of this one person were torn apart and scattered to the wind. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know where to begin. I had never dealt with anything like this. I could have never imagine that something like this would happen. Not to me. Not through someone so close to me.

Over a month later and I'm still trying to figure things out. Lately, I've been so busy that I've been able to block out the whole situation. But when I have some free time and I'm able to think, that's when it hits me. It messes me up. Emotionally and mentally. It really hurts. I want to this pain to go away. I want to throw it at someone. I want to let it go. But I don't do either. I hold onto it. I think some part of me thinks that I brought this upon myself. That I deserve this. It's my fault.

I've been struggling with these and so many other thoughts a lot recently. This whole situation has led me to some important understandings about God and about myself. I find these things to be very important. Which is why I want to share what I've learned with you in hopes that they'll be somewhat helpful to you as you journey on through the adventure of life.

First of all, you can't change people. This is something that I desperately wish was untrue, but it isn't. We, as human beings, do not have the power to change people. We certainly have the power to influence people and in that way we change people in small ways. But it it impossible for us to really change someone. For real change to happen, change that comes from the heart, only God can accomplish.

And honestly, I don't want to believe that. I was to take control. I want to change people. Right here. Right now. But that isn't up to me. That's up to those people and God. I can't make their decisions for them. The knowledge that I can't make other people's decision. The fact that I am not in charge of other people and their actions. This leads me to the conclusion that there is only so much that I can do for others. I can be as big of an influence as possible to people, but in the end, they have to make the decisions. They can change, but I can't change them.

You can only lead someone in the right direction.

You can't make them take that step.

Once that you have done all that you can do, you have to learn to let go. That is the last point I want to make. Letting go is something that I don't do very well. I want to hold on. I want to have control. I want to make a difference. I feel like if I let go, I'm giving up. I feel like I'll have regrets. I always feel like there's something more that I can do. Opportunities that I should've taken advantage of. It's not true though. Sometimes you come to the point where there is nothing you can do. There's a point where you've done all that you can do and now it's up to the other person to make their move. At the end of the day, everyone has to make their own decisions.

I'm not going to say that any of this is easy. It isn't. I'm still trying to figure it all out with the situation I'm working through. Really, it's going to take a lot of time and effort to pull through this, but it will all be worth it in the end. And I know that I will feel better for following through with what I've learned.

G Paige

It is alright to not be fine.

I am a emotional person. I don't want to be, but I am. Emotions take me on a roller coaster everyday of my life. I go from one emotion to the next. Sometimes it's multiple emotions that assault me. It changes like the flip of a switch. One moment I'll be thinking just how good life is. The next moment I'm thinking just how hard this life is. It doesn't take much to change my mood. It's unstable. It's so frustratingly capricious.

I wish that I could say that I exercise control over my emotions. I wish that I could say that there aren't days that I cry. That there aren't days where I wonder what is the point of all of this. That there aren't days that I'm sick of this life. Some days I'm just so depressed. Some days I just feel like I can't do this thing called life anymore. Some days I just want to give up. It would be a lie to say that everything was fine, because everything is not fine. To believe that there are people who live perfect lives and have it all together, is like believing in something out of a fairy tale. It's unrealistic. We all have bad days. We stumble and sometimes, we fall.

But we have to pick ourselves back up again. We have to remember that life is not just something that we will always be stumbling and falling through. We have to remember that life is not an insurmountable mountain. It is not just hardship. It is not just an endless time of pain. Life is full of those beautiful moments that can never be replicated. Life is full of those precious people who mean so much to you. Life is full of love and joy and things that there are no real words to describe. There is meaning to this thing called life. We can't live out our lives without some belief that there is a point to all of this. How could that even be called living?

God gives meaning to life. He gives purpose to our lives. He sent his son to die so that we might live. His grace knows no bounds. We are fully loved by God. There are no conditions attached. Though our greatest deeds are absolutely worthless to him, he still wants our love and devotion and worship. That is something that seems so contradictory to us. By nature, we look out for ways to make a profit. We do what benefits us. God goes against all of that. What kind of benefits did God ever receive from us? Nothing. He created this whole beautiful world. He created us. He wanted us. How did we repay him? We slaughtered his son. We've broken his commandments over and over again.

For some reason, he still loves us. We can't even begin to imagine to why. But it doesn't matter if we understand or not. Either way, he loves us no matter what. He is why we can keep pressing on. He gave everything, unquestionably everything, for us. We owe him what we will never be able to repay. This is why we can live with joy and hope in our hearts. He gave us value. This worth is something that can't be weighted to any amount of money. It is invaluable.

This brings me peace. I have worth. This value won't disappear no matter what I do. I know that there is a purpose to life. God has a written plan for each and everyone of us. And even though life is not always alright, in fact, a lot of the time it is not okay. It's alright. It is alright for it to not be fine. And it's alright for you to admit that life is not okay, because that is truth. That is life.

G Paige

How important are relationships?

It is clear that relationships is major part of our lives. We spend a lot of our time around other people. Whether its family, relatives, friends, coworkers, or strangers, we spend a lot of time with people. We are all human. Or are we? We, as humans, develop relationships with these people that we spend time with, to some degree. In some cases those relationships never go farther than acquaintances. In others, it becomes a deep relationship that'll last a lifetime. And there are many relationships that are somewhere in between those two extremes.

Having acquaintances takes hardly any effort. We all have a lot of acquaintances. But for me personally, and maybe for the majority of people out there, I can't live my life surrounded by only acquaintances. I crave something deeper than that. I want close relationships. Ones that really will last a lifetime. Do you crave those kinds of relationships? Do you find that you thrive off those relationships? I know that I do. Those kind of relationships you don't just suddenly get though. For close relationships, you have to be intentional. You have to want to have a relationship and then you have to act upon that. And it can't be one-sided. Both of the people involved in the relationship have to be intentional about it. It takes effort. It takes work. Sometimes it is easy. Sometimes it is hard.

It is even harder when you are apart. That's when the relationship is put to the test. And unfortunately, that is when you realize who you real friends are. I...deal with this a lot. I move around every couple of years. I usually make a good amount of friends at each place. Then I leave, and sadly that amount of friends goes down. Some people I never talk to again. And I get it. For some people, they probably just don't have any experience with keeping up with long distance relationships. They're used to living near their friends where they have a bunch of opportunities to spend time with those people. And with long distance relationships, you have to put yourself out there to keep in touch with them.

I have trouble keeping in touch with people. I really do. You would think that because I move around a lot that I would have become an expert at this long distance relationship thing. But I'm not. There are times when I keep up with it and I'm talking with people and keeping in touch, days maybe weeks at a time. But then there will be other times where I hardly talk to anyone for weeks. I'll forget about it and just lose myself in my own little world. Or I'll just don't feel like I have the energy to talk to people and so I kind of avoid it. Keeping in touch through long distance doesn't take up physical energy, but it takes up mental energy. And sometimes I don't feel like I can do it. I go through phases of this, on and off. I'll put forth so much effort towards it. Or I'll put forth no effort at all. It frustrates me.

But you know what? No matter how hard it is, it's still so worth it to keep in touch with those that you're close to. If I've learned anything from moving around all the time, I've learned that relationships are one of the most important things in life. I know that it's hard. Trust me, I know how hard it is. But it is still worth it. Those people will be the ones that you will want to go when you feel bombarded with problems or you just want to chat to someone. And those are the ones that you will want to come to you with their problems. Because life, life is meant to be spent with others. It's meant to be spent together. And you'll find that those people mean the world to you.

G Paige

He is Enough

If you've read my recent post, you know how crazy and unusual my life has been lately. It's not been normal, that is for sure. It's been one thing after another and here I am writing this post at six in the morning in a friend's house close to two thousand miles away from home. I never expected to be here. I couldn't even imagine being here. It wasn't even possible in my mind's eye. Neither could I have believed that I would be where I am because of the circumstances that I left. I don't think that anyone could have predicted what happened to Puerto Rico and the surrounding areas. It was an absolute catastrophe. And that doesn't even begin to describe it.

While everything that's going on is tragic, I think that this has also a bit of a blessing in disguise. It has taught me, and is teaching me, so many things. I've been reminded of so much that I take for granted. I've been made aware of so many things that I've forgotten. And it's been one of the most eye-opening experiences for me, personally. For that reason, I try to be thankful.

It's shown exactly just how how easily our material possessions can be taken away. I know so many people who've just lost about everything just because their house is filled up to three feet of water within their house. My house, thankfully, was in a better place than many of the other houses and we didn't lose very much at all. But that didn't make it any less potent. Material things are nothing to God, nothing even to nature. They are easily taken away.

Unsurprisingly, this event has taught me just how much I can live without. When we left, my five other family members and I were only allowed to bring everything we could into a suitcase and a couple of backpacks. I don't know how me managed, but somehow I think everyone had about a week's worth of clothes and such. And you know what? It's been enough. There have been a couple of things that we've had to buy, like wintry clothes that we don't have, but it hasn't been that much. In fact, it's been kind of freeing. You realize how much that you don't have to have. And how big of a difference there is to what you used to think that you needed. It's amazing. We don't need as much as we think. This is not to say that we all need to get rid of most of what we have and live out of a suitcase.

It's exposed me to the fact that I have so many amazing friends. You could not believe the amount of people who have offered for me to stay at their place. It is absolutely mind blowing. I never expected such responses from so many people. It makes me so happy inside to know that so many people care. Friends are important, more important than I ever realized before. These are the friends that have encouraged me, that have lifted me up, that have given me their time, that have let me talk to them about all my problems and rant for an hour or more. These people have given me so much strength. They have given me the energy to keep moving forward. That's it alright to admit that it's hard.

We seem to think that our lives are normal, that they'll always be "normal". That we'll always have the belongings that we have, the opportunities that we take advantage of, the necessities that we need, the time to get everything done, etc. We assume these things as ours and that they'll never be taken away. Unintentially, we think that because things have been the way they are for so long, that they'll stay they'll stay that way. It is such an easy assumption to make. And you only realize how big of an assumption it is when it is challenged. When suddenly the rug is pulled out from under you and you're falling, falling, and falling with nothing to hold onto.

But there isn't nothing to hold onto. God's there. And he'll always be there. Even when it seems like there is nothing that you can lean on, nothing that you can rely upon, there's God. The God who sacrificed his son's life for you. The one who's grace will cover all of your sins. We can give our hope, our trust, our very lives to Him no matter what is going on in our lives. Our lives could be easy right now or our lives could be the hardest that they've ever been. It doesn't matter. God is there either way.

Life is hard. It will still be hard even when you put your faith in God. Sometimes I just want to sit in a corner and cry and wish for an easier life. Other times I want to scream and yell out all of my frustrations to someone, anyone. It feels like I'm going mad, or crazy, many times. It won't always be like this though. God is there, and that gives me hope that someday, someday things will be easier.

G Paige