Life is a Journey

I have come to this page many times. Over and over again I've tried to write a post, any post for that matter. But...I never get more than a few sentences in. I have no motivation. Writing used to be such a big part of my life, but lately I haven't done anything of the sort. Me writing hasn't stopped entirely, it just takes different forms now. In my journaling and in my art and in some social media posts. But certainly I haven't been writing as much as I once was. It was bothering me so much for so long. Then I realized that life consists of changes. There are many different stages of life that we walk through. Maybe I should worry less about not doing something and more on what do I need to be doing right here and now.

What should I being doing right now? I'm not entirely sure. I know that I always have the desire to DO something. To make a difference. To have an impact. To change people's lives. One of my biggest fears is living my life without ever doing anything meaningful. I don't want to waste the life that God has given me. But in the hurry to reach that undefinable "something," I find myself missing out on the life that is unfolding around me. Not just that, but I'm missing out on my own life. I'm not enjoying the journey. I am not happy with where I am right now.

There will always be goals to strive towards. There will always be something to run after. Those goals, those things aren't everything. More than half of it is the journey that it takes to get there. The experiences that one has. The growth that happens. The things that on learns.  The hard work that is put in. All the tears, the laughs that happen. The relationships that are made. All these things make up a huge part of doing something or reaching a goal. None of these things should be considered meaningless. They all play a part in making you who you are.

Time is constantly moving. It never stops. Not for you. Not for anyone. Time is always moving forward. But this doesn't mean that we should rush towards the goals or that "something." No. We should realize that life is going to move forward whether we want it to or not. So what's the rush? It is all happening on God's time. There's definitely the urge to move, that's a good thing, but we certainly don't have to rush. Be present where you are. That's something I'm trying hard to learn.

So much has been happening in my life lately. Some big changes are possibly coming up if everything goes smoothly. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I think I'm making the right decisions, but who will really know? I don't know the future. The idea scares me. Lately, I feel like I have more questions than answers. It is frustrating sometimes. But even that is progress. You have to have questions in order to be able to answer them. You can't have answers without questions. I'm going to continue to move forward, forward in the belief that God is in control. The best thing that I can do is take things one step at a time and be present where I am. Life is a journey. There will be good times. There will be bad times. But such is life. That shouldn't stop one from enjoying it when possible and living to the fullest.

G. Paige

Learning to Let Go

This past week was a very long week. I have never worked so many hours in one week in my entire life (I think I had about forty-five hours in?). Then again, this was only my second week of work. There is so much to get used to and readjust to. Also, I can't believe that it is July. Time has passed so quickly these last few months. I feel like it was only a moment ago that I was in Ecuador, but no, it was over a month ago!

I know that in my last post I talked a lot about my missions trip and my job, but that wasn't all that has happened in the past month or so. I got home from Ecuador only to be smacked in the face with a really tough situation. It left me in a lot of tears. I was extremely upset. I was sad. I was angry. I was a whole mess of emotions. Any amount of trust or views that I held of this one person were torn apart and scattered to the wind. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know where to begin. I had never dealt with anything like this. I could have never imagine that something like this would happen. Not to me. Not through someone so close to me.

Over a month later and I'm still trying to figure things out. Lately, I've been so busy that I've been able to block out the whole situation. But when I have some free time and I'm able to think, that's when it hits me. It messes me up. Emotionally and mentally. It really hurts. I want to this pain to go away. I want to throw it at someone. I want to let it go. But I don't do either. I hold onto it. I think some part of me thinks that I brought this upon myself. That I deserve this. It's my fault.

I've been struggling with these and so many other thoughts a lot recently. This whole situation has led me to some important understandings about God and about myself. I find these things to be very important. Which is why I want to share what I've learned with you in hopes that they'll be somewhat helpful to you as you journey on through the adventure of life.

First of all, you can't change people. This is something that I desperately wish was untrue, but it isn't. We, as human beings, do not have the power to change people. We certainly have the power to influence people and in that way we change people in small ways. But it it impossible for us to really change someone. For real change to happen, change that comes from the heart, only God can accomplish.

And honestly, I don't want to believe that. I was to take control. I want to change people. Right here. Right now. But that isn't up to me. That's up to those people and God. I can't make their decisions for them. The knowledge that I can't make other people's decision. The fact that I am not in charge of other people and their actions. This leads me to the conclusion that there is only so much that I can do for others. I can be as big of an influence as possible to people, but in the end, they have to make the decisions. They can change, but I can't change them.

You can only lead someone in the right direction.

You can't make them take that step.

Once that you have done all that you can do, you have to learn to let go. That is the last point I want to make. Letting go is something that I don't do very well. I want to hold on. I want to have control. I want to make a difference. I feel like if I let go, I'm giving up. I feel like I'll have regrets. I always feel like there's something more that I can do. Opportunities that I should've taken advantage of. It's not true though. Sometimes you come to the point where there is nothing you can do. There's a point where you've done all that you can do and now it's up to the other person to make their move. At the end of the day, everyone has to make their own decisions.

I'm not going to say that any of this is easy. It isn't. I'm still trying to figure it all out with the situation I'm working through. Really, it's going to take a lot of time and effort to pull through this, but it will all be worth it in the end. And I know that I will feel better for following through with what I've learned.

G Paige

You are not alone.

I was recently struck with the realization of how precious life is...and how fragile it is. Life is radiant, vibrant, so full of...essence. But it is also very delicate. It is like a wisp of smoke that disperses into the air. It is soon long forgotten and never to be seen again.

If you didn't know, I listen to a lot of K-pop (Korean pop music). It wasn't long ago that an artist, who I have listened to, died. His death was investigated and it is believed that he committed suicide. Now, I don't know much about this person at all. I've listened to his music, I've watched some of his YouTube videos here and there. That's about it. But it was still devastating to hear this news. Such cases like this are not uncommon, I've heard of stories that are similar. But this time it struck me harder than before. I don't know why, but it did. And it hurts. It hurts to know that someone died by their own hand because they couldn't deal with living in this world any longer.

Life is precious. It is more precious than money or fame. It is more precious than the world itself. Why? Because there is a God who created each and every one of us to the tiniest detail. There isn't a single thing that he doesn't know about us. Those reasons alone should give us more than enough to understand how valued we are. If that isn't enough, we are the only beings, out of everything that he has made, that was created in his image. We are God's creation. We are loved and valued by him. Because honestly, why would he create something that he didn't love and enjoy? We can't begin to understand his thoughts or motives, but the truth is there for us to see. We are his and he is there for us.

I'm not saying that he is there some of the time. God is there all of the time. Even in those moments where one thing after another goes wrong. Even when it feels like everyone has their life together, but you feel like yours is falling to pieces. You're not alone. No one is ever alone. I don't want you to ever feel that way. I know that feeling. It's crippling. It halts everything that is going on in your life and it just consumes your mind. I struggle with it a lot. Every time I move and settle into a new place, a new home, I feel so alone. With the technology that there is today, I can still keep in touch with everyone who I'm friends with. But that doesn't even remotely compare to a face to face conversation.

No matter where you are, no matter what's going on in your life, God is there for you. It may seem like he's distant, like he's never really there. But that is not true. He's always there. Sometimes, he's just silent. Sometimes, he's working in ways that you can't physically see. And that's alright. You just have to trust that he knows what is best for you. That trust is something that I have to constantly work on. I go back and forth on how strong my trust is in him. But trusting him is the only way to feel truly comforted, to be at peace. There is no other way.

And I want you to know that I am here too. You're not alone. God is with you but there are also people around you that here for you. All you have to do is allow them to be there for you. If you're ever need someone to listen to you or maybe to just be there for you, I'm here. Don't allow yourself to be shut off from those who care about you. Their care for you is not pointless. They want to be of help...and so do I.

G Paige